Backsliding

Hey everyone,

I have been gone for a while.  I've been hiding.  Since moving back from Portland I have gained back seven of the pounds I lost.  I had been down 22 pounds before we moved back home, and I'm slowly getting it back.  I am still attending TOPS meetings, and have signed up for an officer position to help motivate me to get back on track.  I steadily gained at each weigh-in with my new group, and kept the same weight at our last meeting.  Hopefully, I have leveled out and will get back down.  I have been too ashamed to write to everyone that I am gaining.  I am failing every single day.  Even weeks where I do everything I should- I stay under my calories, log all my food, and workout five times a week, I still gain!  I know this is common, and I know that others are struggling with this right now.  That's why I've decided to write about it-- maybe it will help clear the air and help me restore faith in myself.

The biggest problem I have right now is nowhere to work out.  At our place in Portland, I had a fitness center in my apartment.  It was small, but it was enough.  I rode the exercise bike for 35 minutes most days, and got at least 8-9 miles in per day on the bike.  The cost of living in a smaller town and smaller complex is that it doesn't have a fitness center.  I didn't realize how heavily I relied on that bike to help me lose weight.  When I rode the bike, I ate better that day.  I drank more water.  I didn't want to waste my workout.  I loved riding that bike.  Now, my only options for exercise are running, following YouTube videos, or playing tennis.  Running is not fun!  Tim and I keep at it, but it sucks.  My ankles, knees and hips are sore everyday.  It is difficult to continue to exercise when you do not enjoy it.  I like playing tennis, but we are terrible.  It is a lot of running to pick up the ball and get the game going again.  Once we improve, it will be more fun, but right now, it's about as enjoyable as running.  YouTube videos are great, and we really like doing Yoga, but it really doesn't burn all that many calories.

Financially, we have been struggling quite a bit.  We emptied our accounts moving back home, because in the long run, it will pay off.  We make more money here and it has the added benefits of being a lower cost of living and much closer to our families.  Because of the financial hardship, we haven't been buying healthy food as much, and haven't been able to get a gym membership for me.  Over the two months we've been home, we have spent more on takeout food than we have since January.  We haven't had the cash to make a big grocery store run, so we've been picking up cheap dinners.  It's digging us into a bigger hole financially, and into bigger pants for me.

I'm writing now to get back on track.  We are tracking all our spending to get our finances in order.  We have picked up second jobs.  I am right now working on a freezer meal plan for today, and finding the best deals to get the most dinners prepped for the least amount of money.  Writing is what makes me lose weight.  You all are the reason that I do this, for support, for encouragement, and to help realize that weight loss is crazy difficult, but so many of us are in this together.  I am 61 pounds from my goal weight.  I do not want to be any farther away from that magic number than I am now!

Please, let me know if you are struggling too!  If you have freezer meal recipes, or want some of mine, email me here at eringesine@gmail.com!

Leave of absence over!

Hey everyone!

Sorry I've been away for so long, I surprised my family with moving back home from Portland. The last month before the move was extremely stressful. Between working as much as we possibly could, getting my wisdom teeth removed (ouch!) and lying our behinds off to our families, exercising and eating healthy took a backseat. I kept up with my TOPS meetings and only gained two pounds that last month, which I am thankful for! After wisdom teeth removal, my diet was pudding, soup, Mac and cheese and ice cream. It's a miracle I didn't gain more weight. It was difficult to keep posting when I wasn't exercising, and even more difficult to post without ruining the surprise. But, I am back!

I haven't been to a TOPS meeting since we've been back, so I've weighed myself between a doctors visit, on a digital scale at my mother's and at the gym I'm joining. I have gained one pound in the three weeks off from meetings. That's all I'm gaining back!  I have found an Anytime Fitness near our new place, and am getting back on track with eating better. Thanks to months of eating well and exercising regularly, my metabolism kicked up a bit and kept a lot of weight off during the move. We used a U-haul Box to ship all of our possessions across the country so we didn't have to drive them. It was cheaper than a moving truck, however you have to go without your things for a long time. We had three days in Portland without our furniture, extra clothes, or kitchen stuff. When we got to Ohio, we had a week to wait for the box to arrive. It was a lot of take out and frozen food. Also, a lot of repeat outfits. It was tricky, stressful, and exciting to surprise our families. I would not recommend it. Support from everyone would have been preferred over the excitement of pulling off the surprise.

I am hoping to be down a few pounds at my next meeting, which will be on Mondays from here on out. I'm going to have to behave on my weekends now!  We finally got to go to the grocery store and stock up on veggies again, and have most of our kitchen unpacked and will be able to cook healthy very soon!  I am planning on training for a 5k to keep me motivated and in check. I will be recruiting workout and/or TOPS buddies for support and mutual encouragement.  If anyone around home wants to train with me, try out a meeting, or meet up for a freezer-meal prep day (or healthy dinner day) please let me know! You can always email me, or comment from the full site (mobile commenting still seems to be on the fritz).

I'm glad to be back, and I'll keep you posted on everything!

The Struggle

Hey everyone!

Sorry I've been out for a while.  We are moving in about three weeks, and we are working as much as we possibly can until then.  The restaurant has been super slow- so we end up working doubles everyday to scrape by.  In doing this, I have lost focus on working out and making sure we are eating healthy.  We go in to work in the morning, have about an hour or so break, and are at work until way past supper time.  So, we make a frozen pizza, or pasta for dinner.  I don't work out before work because we sleep in until it's time to get ready.  I knew that this month would be bad for weight-loss, because I honestly don't know how to focus on working/saving money 100% and weight loss 100%.  If anyone has any tips, please let me know!

I missed TOPS this week because I've also had a migraine for the past few days.  It's sneaky and keeps coming back.  The headache has been pretty manageable, and I'm making it through all my shifts without having to go home, so I can't complain too much about it.  So here's what happened the last two weeks:

Two weeks ago at weigh-in, it was awful.  It was the second week of working as much as we could, so we hadn't been making dinner each night.  I got on the scale at TOPS and I was up 4.6 pounds!  In one week.  Then everyone else got on the scale, and we were all up by a lot.  Our scale was breaking. Our leader took it home and fixed some of the wires that needed to be soldered together.  My scale at home isn't too reliable, but it said I stayed the same weight... The following week, after the repair, we were all down again.  I was down 3.6 pounds.  I'm sure I just maintained my weight over the past few weeks, I haven't lost, and I haven't gained.

We are burning a lot of calories with all these extra hours, but they are calories that we wouldn't normally be eating, so I haven't lost.  I'm five pounds away from my first goal, and it seems like I won't get there unless we figure out how to plan ahead for healthy meals.  I will be researching healthy meals we can make ahead of time, and are simple enough to reheat at 11pm when we get home from work, if I find any good ones, I'll pass them along!

During this month, I have gotten to a weight where I fit into one of my motivation wall outfits!  I had a pair of shorts hanging on my hallway wall, and I tried them on a few weeks ago.  They fit!  I wore them to class:

We are done working doubles for the week, we only have the hours to work single shifts, so I'm hoping to get some workouts in this weekend, and we will at least be able to cook healthy on Saturday and Sunday night.  I can tell my body misses healthy things.  I have been craving Tilapia with veggies all week.  I haven't been jonesing for cheat foods, I miss my broccoli.  I hope to be down at this next weigh-in, and I may even be down the week after that.  I have surgery scheduled to remove my wisdom teeth late next week, so I'm hoping the no food diet will help out :)

I'm struggling with not losing weight.. I want to keep losing each week.  But, sometimes, when you're strapped financially, it's ok to shift priorities for a month.  Once we are settled into new apartment, I'll find a gym again, and get back on track.  Maintaining my weight is still a huge success when our lifestyle has shifted so much.  Right now, we have to focus on the dollars.  Next month, I'll focus on the pounds.  

Inspiration & Reflection

Hey everyone!

Sorry I didn't get this up yesterday, but here it is.  I weighed in at my meeting, and for the first time, I Turtled.. for those unfamiliar with TOPS lingo, that means my weight stayed exactly the same.  No gain, no loss.  I was thrilled!  We went to Pendleton, OR for my TOPS conference, and we ate out each night we were there.  There was also a fairly well known local brewery there, so we had to sample a few beers- how could we not?

The beers were great, and you could get them in a 5 ounce pour!  Portion control! My favorite was a Beer Named Sue, Tim really liked High 'N' Rye.  

The conference was held in the convention center next to their rodeo.  As expected, it was filled with about 530 elderly men and women (mostly women).  I saw two people who were maybe around my age, and one young girl with her mother.  I couldn't believe how many skinny people were there!  It completely reinforced what the speaker said, "You are still you, even if you're skinny."  We will still have the same issues once we make it to our goal weight, we might still need the support to keep the weight off.  Our speaker said she has to remember that she isn't a fat person about to burst out of a skinny woman's body.  These women are still dealing with the emotional reasons they gained weight in the first place, even years after they have lost it.  

I have never been self-conscious about my weight.  I knew that I had gained more than I ever meant to, but I have always been a confident person.  I don't look at someone else's weight and judge them for it, because I don't think that my size has any difference on how I see myself- why should it matter about someone else's?  But, I did make the decision that it was time to lose weight because of how I felt physically.  I missed being able to shop and pick up an outfit, not try it on, and leave the store right away with it.  I missed playing volleyball and being active.  I missed riding my bike.  I wanted to feel better all the time and not get tired all the time or have to catch my breath.  Basically, I want to be healthy!  Appearance will always play a role in motivating me, I want to feel as confident in a swim suit as I do in my favorite jeans, but my weight doesn't give me value.  Maybe being a book nerd inherently teaches you to value your mind over anything else (even when it isn't the sharpest mind out there).  

I was sharing a few weeks ago about how it is easy to miss progress.  While I've lost 21 pounds, it would be easy to see the fat person still looking at me in the mirror.  I look at myself every day- so the progress can sneak along, undetected.  But, the scale and my clothes don't lie.  I remember that just because I don't see my arms as skinnier than they used to be, doesn't mean they aren't.  And, it doesn't cheapen what I've done.  I'm not doing this to look good.  I'm doing this for me, I'm doing this for Tim, I'm doing it for my family, I'm doing this to show people that it can be done.  I'm not doing this to be thin.  Putting that much value into appearance is something I've never been able to comprehend.  Issues of body image are extremely serious, and I am grateful and very fortunate not to have developed them.  For a ton of information, the National Eating Disorder Association has resources for symptoms, treatment, and volunteer opportunities.  It is a great source of information if anyone wants to take a look.  

While at the conference, hearing these success stories of women who have lost over 100 pounds, gone from a size 28 to a size 6, I was hit with the idea that this is where I'm supposed to be.  I want to be surrounded by these women who have conquered so much more than I could, and who are running around the conference hall.  They are thrilled that they don't need to use the seat-belt extender when they fly, that they can walk straight out of a church pew instead of shuffling out sideways.  I recognized my "small victories" because of them.  I have to safety-pin my pants at work, I don't have to wear a tank top under another shirt to help hide my belly, I bought my first dress one size smaller, I bought a shirt without trying it on, in a size smaller and it fit!  These are the victories worth celebrating, the unexpected perks of losing weight that make you feel awesome.  

Sorry for the selfie (I'm not proud of it), but I realized this is the only picture I have of just the dress.  Tim doesn't like to take pictures, so I have to do it myself!  

I had a great time at the conference and learned a lot about the success of losing weight.  All of the major losers (someone who lost at least 50 pounds) had the same advice: keep a food journal/progress journal, drink a lot of water, get moving, and use a support system.  I have that support with TOPS, but a workout buddy or mentor will work just as well!! I took a lot of notes from the presentations, and will share that document here.  Hope some of the tips work for you!  

One last thought I had seeing these women who have lost so much to get to their goal weight:  I had been told (a lot of times) that "maybe you're just not meant to be skinny" or "your body isn't built for running," and, I'm sorry for the language, but that is complete bullshit.  These women didn't look like skinny-women-who-used-to-be-fat.  They looked like women.  You couldn't tell that they were heavy before.  There is no asterisk following them around: *used to be fat.  You can be as fat or as thin as you want to.  Something they all had in common?  They were happy and healthy.

First Goal Within Reach!!

Hi all!

I was able to go to my TOPS meeting this week!! I had to skip last week because I was blessed with a week-long migraine.  Yikes.  It knocked me on my bum.  I couldn't even exercise this week, which stinks, I like exercising and, even though its tough to get down there sometimes, I always feel more confident after.  Last Tuesday, I jogged home from class.  It is about 2 miles, and I wasn't very fast, but I jogged almost the entire way.  That afternoon the migraine hit, and stayed until last night.  I tried to run earlier in the week, but I only made it for six minutes before I had to stop.  Migraines do not like exercise.  But I am feeling better, it's down to just a normal headache now, and seems to be on the way out (which is great, because the conference I'm going to is tomorrow through Saturday).

So, last meeting, I was up- 1.4 pounds to be exact.  I missed last weigh-in, and today I'm down 4.4 pounds.  That's down to 204 for a total loss of 21 pounds so far!! I have six weeks until our lease is up, which is my goal date to be under 200.  Four pounds in six weeks is totally do-able!  I just have to keep behaving!

You all know I go to TOPS meetings, and I love them.  They are awesome.  The support, friendship, and fellowship really helps with weight loss.  I can't believe how much I like going to meetings.  Those of you who know me, know I am usually uncomfortable with that kind of thing, but it's one of the best decisions I've ever made (also one that took me the longest time to make).  Anyway, TOPS has little prizes for motivation, and they really do help.  I've won three months of dues paid, three certificates, and today I won my bracelet!  You get one after you've lost 10 pounds with TOPS.  I've lost 15 with TOPS to date.  Here's my bracelet:

Its plain, and will get filled up with charms as I win them, but I love it!  It is a small, simple reminder of how far I've come and how much farther I have to go.  I'm hoping it will keep me from overeating, or from getting lazy when I don't want to get my run on.

This past week, Tim and I have been grilling a lot.  We love cooking on the grill, and have made brats a few nights, some steak, and chicken.  We also tried a new version of spaghetti last night, and it turned out good!  We took a page from our work, and sautéed some veggies to go along with the sauce.  We have also tried ground turkey in the spaghetti sauce in the past, but it wasn't quite right.  This time, we blended plain ground turkey and some spicy Italian turkey sausage for our meat sauce, and it was perfect!  It doesn't come out as greasy as ground beef and it has a better flavor, so now we have a go-to spaghetti sauce (its also what Tim used for lasagna last week).  I also came up with an idea for dinner earlier in the week, that turned out pretty well.  We buy our meat in bulk from Costco, so we have a ton of boneless, skinless chicken thighs in the freezer.  We had an extra packet of Shake 'n' Bake in the pantry, so I cut up the thighs and tossed them in the mix.  They turned out like chicken nuggets, but way better for you.  (I know Shake 'n' Bake probably isn't the best thing for you, but hey, baby steps!)  We had some extra calories for dinner, so we also made french fries in the oven, and had some broccoli as well:

The picture isn't great, but the nuggets were tasty!  That dinner was about 650 calories.  We didn't use any oil or anything with the fries or nuggets, and we only used about 1/2 tbsp of butter to sautee the broccoli.

I'm getting really excited with my progress, and I feel like my motivation is coming back.  As long as my headaches stay under control, I can keep up with the exercising.  

I really like how much we've changed since we started eating healthier.  I've been able to cut back on logging my food everyday, because our eating habits are changed.  We don't mindlessly eat like we used to.  I have also learned a lot about calories, serving sizes, and nutrition, so I know before logging if we've gone over or under for the day.  We've been drinking much more water than before, and are buying a lot less pop, and almost no junk food.  Our biggest weaknesses are still pizza, chipotle, and tortilla chips with guacamole.  But, I'm not ready to give those up yet.  

We-- well I-- have made us get healthier in other parts of our lives as well.  I forced both of us to go to the Dentist this week, and we are heading to the Eye Doctor this afternoon.  I'm getting us both healthy and feeling better.  We hadn't been in so long because of not having insurance.  Now, we both have it, and I made appointments (and forced Tim to go).  He wasn't too happy about it.  But our teeth look awesome, and we are going to be able to see so many things after the Eye Doctor!! We do have to get our wisdom teeth out next month, so if anyone has any tips about that surgery, please email me!! eringesine@gmail.com.  The commenting won't work if you're looking at the mobile version of the site- you can comment by clicking on "view full site" and it should work from there.  

I'm really happy with the progress I'm making, and the overlap into other parts of my life!  I hope everyone else is having a good week!! 

Remember motivation??

Hey everyone!

Sorry I missed last week, but as some of you know, I picked up a second job.  Last week was the first week of getting fully scheduled at both the retail store and the restaurant.  It was a little hectic, but I'll get it figured out when I can regularly get these up.

Bad news, I was up last week a pound, and I'm pretty sure I gained a little this week, or at least stayed the same.  I have had a migraine for the past three days, so I missed my TOPS meeting yesterday.  I was down (won biggest loser) the week that I was sure I'd gain (last post).  I'm working on getting back down for next week.  It's my last meeting before the TOPS conference I'm going to next weekend.  I'm really excited about it, and it couldn't come at a better time- I need some inspiration!  I'm really struggling with getting down to the gym, and sticking to my calorie limit everyday.  We grabbed dinner with a new coworker Sunday at our Mexican restaurant, and that wasn't even the worst calorie day of the week!

Here's the problem:  everyone has been telling me how great I look.  It feels awesome, but then I get a little complacent.  I feel good, I look good, why do I need to keep losing?  I forget that my end goal is a lot bigger than what I've lost so far, and I need to keep losing.  I'm just a few pounds away from my goal of being under 200 by the time we move, but it seems like a huge challenge that I can't get past.

Here's what I'm doing to fix it:  I am starting a challenge for myself.  I'm printing off a calendar, where I will write both work schedules and school schedule.  I'm going to write in the days I will workout, and follow them like they are meetings.  I will keep track of how many glasses of water I drink everyday.  I will try harder to stay under (or very close to) my calorie limits for each day.  I want to feel good about myself each week after weigh-in, and keep up with the progress.

We've been cooking at home again this week.  We are trying to not pick up food anywhere but the grocery store.  I even tried Shake and Bake for the first time Monday.  Not bad!  And, it only adds about 40 calories!  We made fajitas twice this week, and I made mine into a bowl to avoid the tortillas.  Tim also made me lasagna when I was working late, with ground turkey and spicy turkey sausage.  It saved a ton of calories and was better than standard lasagna.  Sorry mom, but it was the best lasagna I've ever had.  These are a couple of the new recipes we tried since I last posted:

Left is Pork Chops roasted with Thyme, Garlic, Sliced Potatoes, and Onions.

Right are Muffin cups with spinach, cheese, green peppers, and onions with Turkey sausage breakfast links.

I'm not sure what new recipe we will try this week, but I'll keep pictures up!  Also, here is a bad picture of me that I took at work to send my sister.  It's not a great shot, but I think it shows some progress.  I also feel sneaky, 'cause I wore it to work, where its all about fashion-ey things, and I got these pants at a thrift store, which earned me lots of compliments!  Thanks, $2 pants!  Great work!

Well, I'm setting myself up to do better this week, and hopefully will have good news after next weigh-in!  I'm sure I'm not the only one who's hit a road block when losing, it's part of the process, and I'm dealing with it pretty well (I think).  Here's to doing better!

Struggling

Hey everyone,

This has been a bad week in terms of motivation.  I have had about zero.  Zero motivation.  I've gone over (way over) my calories at least three days this week, and have only exercised three times.  It's been really hard to make myself go down to the gym.  Normally, once I'm down there, I'm fine working out.  I'm glad I'm down there and I feel better all day.  This week, I have been forcing myself to get on the bike, and am resentful the whole time!  I don't know what's going on with me, but it's been a tough week.

I've also been craving a lot of junk food these past few days.  We went to our local bar for dinner one night.  We picked up an extra shift on Saturday for the managers at work, so we got sent home with two entrees, which we ate.  And I baked a Texas Sheet Cake to bring in to work on Easter.  We over ate with calories a lot this week, and I'm pretty sure I'll be up at weigh-in tomorrow.

I did try a new recipe substitution this weekend.  Texas Sheet Cake, for those who don't know, is a flat, dense chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.  It looks almost like brownies with frosting made of milk, powdered sugar, cocoa and butter.  I substituted half of the butter for avocado in the frosting, as well as in the cake which saved 1 1/2 sticks of butter.  It cut down the calories per serving by 14% (29 calories per piece) and the fat by 40%.  There was no taste difference, and no one at work noticed, which made me feel good and also sneaky.  I miss baking a lot, and that's the only baked good that I'll eat a lot of if you let me.  So, for Easter, I had cake for breakfast and snacks throughout the day, and more cake at night time.  It was bad.  I did work out after work, but I don't think it made up for it.

Even as I'm writing, I'm having hot chocolate!  I can't get focused this week.  Yesterday, I made myself put on workout clothes, worked myself up to going to the gym for another 15 minutes, finally went down there, and it was closed!  It was hard enough to make myself go down there the first time, and I had to do it again, later that day.  The second time I went down, the guy I always run into down there was working out on the treadmill, with his headphones on.  He had accidentally (or on purpose) locked the door and I couldn't get in, nor could he hear me knocking.  I had to motivate myself three times to go down there, and I hated every minute of it while I was on that stupid bike.  I was even reading one of my favorite books that I found at a thrift store, jamming out to my show tunes station on pandora, yet I was still miserable.  Today I couldn't even make myself get down there because I've had a killer headache all day.

I'm telling myself that next week will be better, and I will get my focus back.  I've noticed that we've been eating less veggies lately, so Tim is at the store now, picking some up for supper.  We are making chicken on the grill (breaking the lease agreement) and roasted veggies.  I don't normally condone rule-breaking, but our lease is up in less than two months, and we have to move anyway, so we're going for it!

I'm sharing my crappy week a day early, because I'm sure I'll be up at weigh-in tomorrow, and I wanted to let everyone know ahead of time!  I also have to work both jobs tomorrow, so there may not be time for my usual Wednesday post.

I wanted to share this mostly because these weeks are part of the weight-loss process.  I didn't gain weight every week when I was putting on the pounds, and I sure as hell won't lose weight every week while I'm taking them off.  Even when everything is going well, you're seeing progress, feeling better, and losing weight, you can hit a wall.  This week my wall was no motivation or drive.  Next time, it could be that I do everything right and gain that week.  No matter what, I just beat myself up a little bit when I have a setback, then move on.  Tomorrow starts a new week for me, and after weigh-in, I'll do better these next seven days.